Chaos at Costco!

October 25, 2022

I have a confession to make: I shop at Costco! There, I said it. And not only do I shop there, but I also enjoy it. I mean, what’s not to like about all those deals? And let’s not forget the free samples! With a bit of strategic planning, you can get your groceries and enjoy a free lunch at the same time.

However, there’s a dark side to my Costco visits. No, it’s not the store itself—it’s the shoppers! Well, not exactly the shoppers, but their driving habits. And no, I’m not talking about the parking lot or the chaotic gas station lines. I’m referring to the battlefield that is the shopping cart lanes.

Although there are no official “rules of the road” for driving a shopping cart, I thought there were at least some unwritten expectations. It turns out I was wrong. It’s madness out there! Visit your local Costco on any given day, and you’ll witness a litany of infractions. Over time, I’ve started to notice patterns and have even developed the ability to predict certain behaviors. I’ve cataloged these shoppers into a few distinct “driver” types.

The Plodder

These folks seem to have transmission trouble—despite being perfectly able bodied, they’re perpetually stuck in first gear. They often materialize out of nowhere, directly in front of you, especially when you’re in a hurry. And, like birds of a feather, plodders love to group together, forming a slow-moving blockade three carts wide!

The Socialite

It’s common to run into someone you know while navigating the aisles. A quick nod or greeting is perfectly fine. But not for the Socialite! Oh no, they bring everything to a complete stop so they can regale their acquaintance with a detailed update on their extended family or, worse, a blow-by-blow account of their last colonoscopy. I wouldn’t mind if these conversations happened in some quiet corner of the cereal aisle, but no—they always occur in the busiest thoroughfares leading to checkout.

The Non-Conformist

Most of us instinctively stick to the right side of the aisle, with occasional detours for that bag of frozen veggies. But not the Non-Conformist. You can spot these rebels darting against traffic, like salmon swimming upstream. Perhaps I’m being too judgmental—maybe they’ve recently arrived from a country where left-hand traffic is the norm!

The Distracted Shopper

Like their road-bound counterparts, these shoppers just can’t put down their phones. Whether they’re chatting, texting, or scrolling through social media, they’re blissfully unaware of their surroundings. Blind intersections are particularly perilous when these folks are around. Stay vigilant!

The Darter

Ah, the Darter. These unpredictable shoppers will spot a sale on toilet paper and barrel through multiple lanes without warning or apology. If shopping carts were equipped with turn signals, rest assured that the Darters would never wear them out.

Despite these hazards, I can say with conviction that I’ll continue frequenting my local Costco. Why? Because it’s also a place of unexpected inspiration.

Just when I feel I can’t tolerate another reckless cart operator, I catch sight of the floor-washing machines gliding calmly through the chaos. The employees who operate these machines exude an almost Zen-like calm, quietly restoring order amid the pandemonium. They remind me that, despite the madness, there’s still hope—and I leave Costco with my faith in humanity restored.